Peter Noble

COSMIC HUMOUR

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A young woman asked Suzuki Roshi after a talk, “Roshi, sometimes when I’m trying to decide what I should do, I ask myself, ‘In this case, what would Roshi do?’ Should I continue that practice?”
Roshi answered, “Then should I also ask myself, ‘What would Roshi do?’

 

One zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”
The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep.”
The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”

 

"Never test the depth of the water with both feet."

 

Prince Gautama, who had become Buddha, saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges River. Upon enquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: “Why don’t you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier.”

 

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?
Make me one with everything. The pizza chef prepares it and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The pizza vendor says: “Change comes from within.”

 

 What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? He enters Nirvana.

 

 Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired? He kept marking the cause of death as “birth".

 

A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk, “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing.” replied the monk. “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!” said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!”

 

A Zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?” “Yes”, replied the master, “but without attachments.”

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A student is on one side of a raging river. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the master on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?” The master shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

 

Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?  Because they have no attachments.

 

I've never met someone so thoughtless in my life. Keep up the good work.

 

Religious Shit:

 

Taoism - Shit happens.

Buddhism - If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Islam - If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Protestant - Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?

Hinduism - This shit happened before.

Catholicism - Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism - Send more shit.

Atheism - No shit.

Jehovah's Witness - Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism - There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science - Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit.

Existentialism - What is shit anyway?

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